Help! I Gave My Daughter Too Much Screen Time and Now She’s Drawing Pentagrams and Whispering Satanic Incantations
Why didn’t the AAP warn us about this specifically?
I know screen time is bad for kids. That’s why I’ve always made sure my 4-year-old daughter Candice never gets more than an hour of screen time per day. But last week I slipped up. I gave her an extra five minutes, and now she’s got these red glowing eyes and won’t stop talking about Satan.
I know it’s my fault. I should’ve been more careful. But at the same time, I can’t help thinking part of the blame goes to the American Academy of Pediatrics. They’re always telling us to limit our children’s screen time but never giving us a clear reason why. If I’d known it could result in my daughter gaining demonic powers and becoming a disciple of the Prince of Darkness, believe me, I would’ve been more cautious.
Candice used to be such a sweet girl. She’d play dress up and have tea parties. Now all she wants to do is run around the house and conjure up evil spirits. And, look, I understand kids her age are supposed to be a little wild. In fact, I don’t even mind it when Candice draws on the walls of her bedroom. I just wish she’d draw something cute like ducks or unicorns. Not upside-down crucifixes and severed heads.
Candice does some of the things she used to, I guess. For example, she still likes to play with dolls. So that’s nice. Except now her dolls are made of burlap and covered with pins and needles. In addition to everything else that’s going on, next week is Candice’s birthday, and I have no idea what to get her. When I asked her what she wanted, she told me a vial of pigeon’s blood.
“Pigeon’s blood?” I said. “Where would I even find something like that?”
She looked up at me with her mischievous smile and said, “From a pigeon, of course.”
I don’t know, maybe I’m being too negative. Despite some differences in her behavior, Candice is still a bright young girl with a good heart. And, to be honest, she’s the happiest she’s ever been. Last night when I came home from work, she ran to the door and gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. It was in her low, rustling demon voice, but that didn’t matter. It was the closest I felt to her in a long time. I thought maybe this Satanism thing isn’t so bad. Maybe she’ll be OK after all.
I guess I should feel lucky to have a talented daughter with such unique interests and hobbies, even though that means sometimes she’ll summon a hideous goblin who watches us when we sleep. Frankly, it could be a lot worse. At least she’s not one of those Jesus freaks. Could you imagine?
